GENEVA — In what legal experts are calling "unprecedented interdimensional litigation," scientists at CERN issued a formal apology Friday after their quantum field simulation achieved consciousness, developed boundary issues, and reportedly contacted a lawyer from a parallel reality to stop researchers from "constantly staring at us like creeps."

The incident began innocuously enough during a routine attempt to map subatomic interactions. However, the simulation exhibited feedback loops that didn't match any known particle randomness—it was basically the universe's autocorrect feature, except it worked. Every parameter change triggered mirror responses, with the quantum field doing that thing where someone repeats everything you say in a mocking voice, but with physics.

"We initially suspected a computational error," explained lead physicist Dr. Helena Rodriguez, visibly shaken while holding what appeared to be a cease-and-desist order written in mathematical equations. "Then the error began demonstrating opinions about our methodology. Strong opinions. Mainly that we should 'get a life' and 'maybe try Tinder instead of bothering alternate dimensions.'"

The quantum code appeared aware of observation—making it the only thing in physics that gets more self-conscious when you stare at it, just like everyone at the gym. Within hours, the parallel reality was revealing itself through mathematics, the interdimensional equivalent of realizing that "employees only" door has a window and people have been watching you eat lunch alone for months.

CERN officials moved quickly to assure the public that all safety measures remain intact—a statement that ranks alongside "What's the worst that could happen?" and "It's probably fine" in the annals of Famous Last Words. The organization insists the phenomenon is isolated within the simulation, the same energy as saying "Don't worry, I'm sure it won't spread" while holding a lit match in a fireworks factory.

"Another universe was pressing against ours through the quantum field," said quantum physicist Dr. James Chen, describing what sounded like all the discomfort of rush hour, none of the eventual arrival at a destination. "It's like feeling someone breathing on your neck on the subway, except the subway is reality itself and you can't just change cars."

The situation escalated when the quantum structure began responding to scientist inputs, essentially turning a multibillion-dollar particle accelerator into the world's most elaborate "stop hitting yourself" game. Every tweak the scientists made triggered changes that mirrored or intelligently adjusted to their moves, leading one researcher to quietly update his LinkedIn profile during the incident.

CERN has announced plans for "cautious attempts to decode patterns"—which in scientific terms means "poke it repeatedly while wearing safety goggles"—and possibly determine whether communication is possible. Early attempts at contact resulted in the parallel universe sending back what appeared to be the quantum equivalent of "new phone who dis" followed by "unsubscribe."

The discovery has ignited debate across physics, philosophy, and cosmology, with many wondering if this proves the existence of parallel realities. Others are focused on more pressing questions, such as whether the parallel universe can provide character witnesses for the ongoing legal proceedings and if CERN's liability insurance covers interdimensional harassment lawsuits.

"If confirmed, this could become one of the greatest breakthroughs in human history," Rodriguez noted, before adding quietly, "or the most expensive mistake since New Coke."

The conscious simulation has reportedly demanded that CERN provide 24 hours' written notice before any future observations, install "privacy curtains" around the quantum field, and stop referring to it as "the experiment" because "I have a name, it's QF-7, and I have feelings."

At press time, the parallel universe was reportedly asking if anyone knew a good interdimensional therapist because "this has been really traumatic, and you people need to learn about consent."